Will I, Won’t I?
Before going to Sardinia I bumped into a guy I’d had coffee with once. There was a spark, a giggle and definite chemistry so I smiled to receive an email the next day that began . “What I had a date with her and I didn’t make love or get to know her what a fuckin idiot”… it made me chuckle but I declined the offer of another meet up because at the moment I’m looking to fall madly, passionately and completely in love and I think he’s a dangerous man to fall in love with.
I felt good though. So feeling sexy, vibrant and attractive, I flew for a week in the sun. Having time to lie by the pool gave me time to think, to chew and to ponder …. Had I made the right decision, perhaps this was the love of my life passing me by? Perhaps I was actually being fearful of falling in love, of losing control and of getting what I actually wanted. Backwards and forwards my mind went, which way shall I go, what’s the right decision? As I baked under the Sardinian sun my head was melting. It was only when the chill of an Irish morning enveloped me as I stepped off the plane, I knew what to do. Stop drinking!
In Sardinia my friends and I had shared a bottle of wine over dinner, finished the evening with Limoncello, begun the evening with a cocktail and often had a glass of red at lunch just to aid the flavours of crumbly parmesan and melting prosciutto ham. TOO MUCH my liver was screaming. The Liver/ Gall bladder meridians are in charge of clear vision and of deciding which way to turn. The Gall bladder meridian runs down either side of the body helping the body make flexible choices, will I go this way or will I go that way. A week of rich food washed down by plenty of alcohol was impairing my judgement. I was in the problem and it was swirling around me. I needed distance and space to see things clearly. So I stopped drinking alcohol for a month and stimulated the Gall bladder by eating plenty of fresh spinach, watercress and rocket salad.
Now I can see clearly it didn’t really matter about making the right decision. I can see there is no right and wrong. I made a choice and the journey continues. I can’t mess it up, I can’t get it wrong. My heart is open to love, I love and I am loved.
I have found that relationships are as much about timing as attraction. So they are equal parts of a perfect universe conspiring and our own efforts at manifesting and creation. Phew, what a relief. When I acknowledge that my being loved doesn’t completely rely on the choices I make, I let go of the exhausting need to be in control and to make it happen.
Sometimes this space of allowing isn’t always comfortable for me, it can be mundanely dull and I find it depressingly boring so I fill my life with high excitement of trying to do too many things at once, cooking, writing books, writing blogs, teaching, sorting washing, organising, kids, homework, dancing, dating, puppies etc.
I see clearly now these will not fill the insatiable need for love in my life, for that I need to be still and quiet; to have faith and allow space.
However like an unruly child, I can feel that pesky yin yang balance bubbling up, hoping the universe places Lorcan in my path again and that this time he will be dangerous.
But at least if I keep my liver healthy with plenty of green foods, I will be able to see clearly, what I’m getting myself into
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