We are getting close to the Heart Weekend Retreat so I am immersed in everything heart. Practising loving kindness meditation, singing mantras, trying out recipes so you can guarantee that something will come to test my ground of being in that Happy Heart space. What could be more distracting for the equilibrium of the heart than the beginnings of a prospective relationship. Relationships are something we have all day, every day, we are constantly in relationship with friends, family, collegues, bus drivers, checkout staff and lollipop ladies. In many ways our relationship with others shows us who we are. The way we act with the family and the relationships we choose is how we define ourselves. They are often where the most intense emotions are felt, our biggest learnings happen and for me the best recipes come to the table.
Meeting someone new for me is always tricky – a delicate dance between opening up and sharing whilst testing trust and safety, made even more tricky if that meeting is through the virtual medium of the internet and Tinder. So that I feel safe and wont get hurt, I want propspective partners to behave in certain ways but relationships, because they contain people, cannot be controlled which is very frustrating. They don’t call enough or they call too much, they are overattentive which feels smoothering or you can see they are online but not sending me any texts. Whatever the action is I don’t like the feeling, I feel unbalanced and uncomfortable, where is my steady ground. I’m out of my comfort zone of what is safe and familiar. This on a good day is exhilarating and exciting, flushed with the feelings of an opening heart, my life is sunny and everything is fantastic but on a bad day when the insecurities are running wild, I’m likely to blame the other for causing these horrible feelings and call the whole thing off. So Im learning to negotiate my feelings and not throw the baby out with the bath water. To realise that the love I feel in my life is like a flame which must be fed by me. I generate and eminate all of the love that flows through me. The emotions I feel cannot be allowed to fan the flame so that I am engulfed and overwhelmed by another nor can I allow the negative feelings or fears to shut down my heart and starve it of the energy in needs. I generate this love like an vitality within. It isnt reliant on anothers behaviour, presence or texts.
When I am in the midst of falling in love I can be swept away on the addiction of endorphines. All well and good when Im getting what I want but tantrum producing when things arent going my way. So I took a few days off, asked for abit of space, just a week so that I could see the clouds as I ran around the park, see the wonderful colours of the flowers as they burst open in my garden, laugh with my children as the youngest drew popeye muscles on his arms and a six pack on his tummy. With this space I gained perspective, no longer only having eyes for my smart phone screen I was able to see again how much wonder there is in the world and how many oportunities there are to exercise this muscle of love and generate my own endorphines.
To help with the perspective I ate a lot of this delicious recipe which is great for stimulating the liver, clearing frustration and seeing things more clearly.
Anchovy Pesto
- 200ml extra-virgin olive oil
- 1 bag (80-120g) parsley leaves
- 150g (2-3 tablespoons) capers, drained
- 1 tbsp. oregano leaves
- 1 tbsp. cider vinegar
- 1⁄2 crushed red chilli flakes
- 5 anchovy filets in oil, drained (substitute sundried tomatos if vegitarian)
- 2 cloves garlic or handful of wild garlic
- salt and freshly ground black pepper
Blitz all the ingredients together in a food processor and pour over spagetti , spread on wraps or drizzle over cooked fish.
